Darkness Falling

He stood there, hands thrust deep into his coat pockets, facing the sea while watching seagulls ride the chilly November wind. He shivered in the wind. It was only 4 o’clock but the sun was already setting, casting golden streaks of light across the foot of the sky. He marveled at the beauty that lay in front of him; blue expanse punctuated by the white caps of the waves tinged in gold. In the face of such beauty, he felt the loneliness make the biting wind feel even colder.
He shrugged his shoulders, turned on his heel and walked away, footsteps crunching the gravel. He walked up the mound, past the deserted playground towards the ruins of the ancient Cathedral. The sea seemed to mock him, the faint squeals of the seagulls overwhelmed by the crashing waves reminding him of his tiny significance in the grand design of his life.
He had begun work at the largest firm in the country at the behest of his parents, who believed his presence in their business adversary can only profit their business empire. Somewhere along the way, he had met this pretty young thing that turned out to be the big man’s only girl; and, desperate for an heir, the big man fast tracked a whirlwind romance that came with a high speed corporate elevator rather than ladder. At his parents insistence the romance became a wedding, and before he could even wonder if he had found the woman of his dreams, he was heir apparent to the biggest firm in the country in return for the perpetuation of lineage.
The true side of the woman he married came out on his wedding night; by morning he had already found himself alone in his bed. She had an insatiable hunger that he could never in his mind imagine could exist. She had no use for him other than to feed that lust; and he had found it in the worst way possible with the scars on his back and bruises on his neck to prove it. On his wedding night he had failed miserably; and instead of being a worthy adversary, he had been cast aside, his spirit broken, his passion snuffed.

As he stood on the cliff, overlooking the sea awash in orange grey light, he realized he was trapped. He wanted to end his loneliness with lifelong companionship; and the angel that fell from the sky was the angel of death. While people end their nightmares simply by waking up, his was something that he cannot wake up from.

To his family, his being accepted in the biggest family empire made allies of an enemy to their own formidable empire; to his new inlaws, an heir; but he was caught in a trap, a small, meaningless pawn about to be traded as a queen. And he realized that reaching the end of the board had just become impossible if not difficult; and if he failed, his new family have enough influence to ensure that he will never ever be employed again.

He shivered slightly as he peered over the edge of the cliff, watching the brine explode into white spray as it smashed itself into blue rocks; swirling and exploding, dragging everything with destructive fury.

As darkness descended, he relived the longing in his heart; a high powered job, a huge house and a fleet of cars; a beautiful wife, a life to be shared, of hugs and kisses; of warm smiles and happy laughter.

He had it all, and he was alone.

Sunrise

He woke with a start to find the sun high in the sky and the light blinding him, his eyes screaming in pain. His head pounded. He felt numbed with pain, every muscle stiff. He became aware of the disheveled bedsheets, pillows strewn across the room. He was naked, save for a twisted strand of blanket across his thigh.
Head pounding even more, he propped himself up and pushed his feet off the bed. The room now started to spin as the blood rushed off his head. He struggled to remember what had happened.
His wedding party began to reconstruct in his mind. He remembered the sea of faces, smiling, laughing, bearing congratulatory wishes and gifts. Flashbulbs were incessantly popping, blinding him and creating a paparazzi trail as they followed his every move. He was weary, and he propped himself against the door frame to keep from falling as the stream of well wishers passed him, each offering the customary handshake. He vaguely remembered trying to keep his balance as he carried her across the threshold giggling and laughing.
Cold water on his face revived him. He felt stinging pain on his back as the water from the shower hit him. He stood with his back to the mirror and craned his head. To his horror, he found deep parallel lines on his back. He recalled the sudden pain he felt as she dug her fingernails onto his back. It had shocked him, and it killed his passion; It had made her scream in seeming frustration, expletive laden fury.
She had an insatiable lust. She was a wild animal that mercilessly chased its prey, tearing flesh bit by bit, enjoying the suffering as limbs were ripped off in an explosion of blood and flesh. And she had clawed him scratched him, slammed her pelvis against him till he felt no pleasure and no more pain; her forearm across his throat had choked him till really thought he was going to die. The struggle turned her on, and it fueled her passion beyond his imagination belying her demure exterior.
He couldn't remember much of what happened next, only in bits an pieces of her pounding-herself on his body, clawing him, tearing at his hair, biting on his flesh. He vaguely remembered her screaming at him, calling him a useless piece of meat, disappointed that he let her down and unsatisfied.
The bruising on his neck made him wonder if he had passed out. Painfully, he began to wonder the madness in him to marry this woman, the daughter of the richest of the rich; He had entered in to the kingdom of the kingmaker, and if he had ever naively thought of being the next maker of kings, the reality is that he was more likely the fodder of slaves.

the beginning of the end

Dearest,
I guess this note should have been written a while ago. In any case, anytime is a good time; there need not be a time to say the things that need to be said.

How time files. In a space of a short while so many things can happen, and events in our lives take a new meaning. When our paths first crossed, little could anyone foresee that the future that is now could so startlingly change. The first time we met, everything seemed forever; nothing could ever get in the way; our future, eternity. Little did we know that the happiness we sought is fleeting evanescence; like mists in the morning, bubbles in the streams, with all things, nothing is forever.

I would never have believed that our lives would be what they are today. Yet, at the same time, I can only say that what we have can never last, and what is wrong remains wrong, no matter how much we bend the rules to make it right. And as every day pass, we lie to ourselves that this is what we want, that this is what we will carry and this is the way it should be. But the truth prevails, that what we have is wrong; and we hurt the ones we love by carrying on the life we want to lead.

With this note, our lives have forever changed. Indeed, our lives changed irreparably even when we met. We had dreams, but I stand to believe that we both know that the dreams can never be true. But change, no matter how painful needs to happen to better our meaningless lives. We cannot go on living this lie.

We need each other so much in this life. No matter how much difference you make in my life, I cannot continue being part of yours. What you want I can no longer give, and what you have I no longer wish for. May you pursue your dreams without me, the weight that drags and continue to drag you down. While for me without you there remains nothing, and everything that I have today will no longer be mine; but the breath that I take is still the fodder for which I live. And I sincerely hope that without me you will find the means to fly, higher than before without the burden of what society expects from us, without the burden of keeping what society must not know.

When we first met, there was the light of the dawn, but many years on, the lights have turned to darkness and the burning has become glowing embers that become, slowly but surely, cold, dark ash.

Farewell dearest. May tomorrow be a new dawn. May the darkness that has prevailed be lifted with the rise of the new sun.

*****
He read and re- read the note in front of him. He'd drafted and re-drafted too many times already. In the bottom of his heart, he felt sure, yet, a tinge of doubt still prevailed. Should he?
He hit the "save" button as he had done many times before. He thought of the time he first met her, and smiled at the memory. His memory turned to how that everything he now owned, everything he lived for, was because of his marriage. He took a deep breath and hit "print". As he read his note a final time, he realized that he cannot go on. He signed the letter, sealed it in an envelope; green, her favorite color.
He grabbed his bags by the door, the only things that were his and placed the envelope on her pillow.

He paused for a moment as he stepped out of his house, feeling the morning sun on his face. The morning felt especially bright. He felt free.

Miss you like Crazy

He sat next to her, and sat quietly as he watched her type away on the keyboard. He said nothing, but quietly watched her fingers fly across the keyboard, as the cursor swept across the monitor forming letters that became words that became sentences.
He admired how she sat upright, elbows tight on her sides, her body unmoving. And as he reached out his arm and curled it around her waist, she turned her head ever so slightly, looked at him from the corner of her eye, tilted her head and curled an approving smile from the corners of her mouth. And he curled his arm even tighter, pulling him close to her, filling his senses with the smell of her perfume.
The click of the door brought him into the present, and he found himself staring at a blank document page on his notebook pc. Once again, he gave himself a long sigh. It was only half a day since. He wondered how longer it would take for the long weekend to pass by. It already felt like a lifetime, and it would be two lifetimes more before he would see her again.
He ran the tips of his two longest fingers on his keyboard, tracing the edge of his computer. He remembered how her fingers, traced the edges of her computer as they conversed. Her pinky and thumb straight out, middle finger slightly curled to match the index; ring finger curled, showing off the diamond studded petals on her ring. He remembered lifting the two fingers by their tips, stroking them ever so lightly with his thumb, as she watched till he placed them on his lips.
“Are you ok?” his secretary asked, yanking him back into the present. She reeled off his appointments for the day, wrote down all the instructions and walked off, leaving him alone again with his thoughts.
This new girl in his department had been occupying his thoughts quite a bit of late. She had been an avid learner and spent late evenings at his office. He had grown quite fond of her company and really looked forward to evenings with her. He was very much at a loss now. He’d sent her outstation for three days, but today missed her presence.
He fired up the company portal and searched for her name. He felt the sudden rush of excitement as the computer returned her status “on line”. Should he send a message to her? Would she think that he didn’t trust her to do a good job and had to keep an eye on her? The paranoia bemused him for a while; he was the boss, for god’s sake, and it’s his right to check upon the progress of his crew.
He opened the message window and pondered over his message. He typed “hello”. Perhaps that was too informal. He deleted that and typed a longer introduction. Too long. Too formal. He typed and re-typed, each time balking at the idea of making friendly conversation. Finally, he typed “Hi. Just wondering how you’re coping.” He took a deep breath, and hit “Return” to send it. Almost immediately the message window showed a reply being written.
“Boy, that was one long message,” came the reply.
“What do you mean? “ he asked.
“Well, you sent me a blank message, and just as I was about to ask, I saw that you were typing, and typing, and typing, and I kinda wondered what kind of trouble I’m in. For twenty minutes I saw you typing. I was really expecting some memo. ”
“Well, I had to be sure that I chose the right words carefully, you know, this being your first time out on your own.” He replied. “Wouldn’t do to discourage you at this point.”
And he could imagine that cheeky smile he had become so fond of when he read her reply. “Yeah, right. Like I don’t know you miss me. :)”