Losing Grip

He stared at his mobile phone  near the edge of the table, willing it to bleep.  He longed for the days when it bleeped whenever  he expected it to;  almost telephatically, he would take out his phone from his pocket  and find a just-delivered message.  Some days he would wonder if she were thinking of him; and a message arrives. He'd send her a message and almost always, she'd reply with a "I was just thinking of you!". This time, though, it was silent.
He knew that things were changing in her life - trying hard to gaining control of her own life, making things work - and he wasn't part of it and he felt left out. He very much wanted the best for her, and he really wanted her to be happy; but deep down inside, he longed for the part of her that meant so much to him.
He took his phone in his hand and thumbed thru the old messages. There weren' t that many of late. True, whenever they met, he still saw her eyes light up, her face flashing the smile. She would still look at him playfully and mouth "I love you" at him. She rarely, though, spent late evenings at work, and even rarer still, spend her time in his room with his company.
Like she used to. He  felt a tinge of emptiness inside him.
Absentmindedly, he stroked her wallpaper picture on his mobile phone. They didn't spend much time together at work, and they hardly thought of each other after work. And he realised that they had begun to spend time at their regular watering hole even less.
He felt the angst build up in his chest. A yawning, gaping crevice, filled with love, drying up and unreplaced. Things were changing.

The rush

He grimaced as he heard the voice on the telephone. "Please..? Can you come now?..I.. Need you .. here"
The voice, getting smaller as the words were mentioned, quavered, on the verge of breaking into tears. He felt the conflict build inside him.
"I'm still a bit of a way away", he said, biting his lip. "maybe twenty minutes."
"please.. hurry".. the voice began to break..
He'd been spending his time with her since her breakdown, coaxing, caring, bringing her to her feet. Juggling this double life has begun to take its toll on him. She'd grown more and more reliant on him, and his double life had begun to clash.
He sighed as he turned the corner and thundered the car down the road, eating up the miles effortlessly. He glanced at the car in his mirror as he approached a turn, only to find himself hurtling into a mass of nearly stationary cars. He slammed on the brakes, pressing harder against the throbbing anti locks and heaving the steering wheel to one side giving the car additional stopping distance. He heaved a sigh of relief, only find his head snapping back as the car behind him, unable to stop in time, rammed head on into the rear of his car.
He  saw the front of his car crumple in slow motion as he watched, eerily detached from the carnage, the front ram into the mass of the metal, folding up and the windshield developing a spider web of cracks. Then darkness followed...

The window

She stared at the ground below her. Momentarily, she felt amazed at how much smaller things looked, even though it was just the window of the fifth floor. A soft breeze on her skin made her skin taut, the nervousness giving her a chill.
She became aware of her heart pounding as her eyes focused on an imaginary point on the sidewalk. That point, she thought would be where she would touch the ground first. She imagined herself in slow motion, rushing down to that point, feeling the air against her skin,her senses awry trying to fight the feeling of weightlessness. She'd hit the ground almost flat, her skull crunching against that point. She'd feel a sharp pain momentarily before she would pass out, a flash of light in her eyes, before eternal darkness.
Would her life flash before her eyes? She wondered. If it did, would she regret stepping off the window? She closed her eyes,and felt the metal window frame against her skin. Her senses, fully charged up at the tension, were extra sensitive. The warm air around her felt chilled against her skin. Her ears picked up voices of people going about their daily lives across the street and she smelt the wafting scent of a nearby barbecue.
Her mind flashed back to a fancy restaurant. Grilled lamb rack. Taken aback at the size.Someone getting angry for ordering that. Getting up in a huff, dragged by the hand.Yelled at all the way to the car. Screaming, yelling.The back of the hand..
Tears began to well in her as she recollected this. The lonely crying in the bathroom.The sad look on his face as he came to. The apologies, regrets, all lies until the next flare up.
She opened her eyes again, and watched as a tear rolled off her nose and down to the sidewalk.
Follow that,.. she said.She imagined her tear hitting the sidewalk and smashing into smithereens, not a trace, nothing left. Just like her feelings for him. Nothing left. No more apologies, no more regrets.
She took a deep breath. Its time. But her mind was not done replaying her thoughts. She felt the sadness, the struggle to come to work and pretend everything was alright. She remembered the violent episodes, each bigger than before. The despair. And she remembered the caring voice.The breath against the skin..
She remembered him standing over her desk. The late evenings, long chats. He understood! She remembered how he seemed to understand her needs, how comfortable she was with him. How she naturally trusted him, how complete she felt with him.
She had both feet over the window sill and one hand was all that made the difference. Her hand trembled at the strain. She wanted to let go, away from the pain. Now her mind had deserted her, reminding her of her pillar of strength. She wished he was here, he would help her. Again, despair welled in her. Could she stand going through this loneliness again? The pain?
A twitch in her shoulder reminded her.. Its time! Its time! let go! Let go of all the pain and be in peace! She closed her eyes and began to sob..